Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
