She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
