she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
