I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
