I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I have aggressive nipples.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
