matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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