We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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