I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
