I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
