Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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