I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Randomize
