We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
