I just gift wrapped bread.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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