He passed out mid-signature
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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