I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
