So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
