I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
