worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
