You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
