this beer tastes like vomit already
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
