i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
