What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
