Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Sober January is a disaster.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
