i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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