I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
