i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
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