did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
