I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
