Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
