I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
they're like a gay fantastic four
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
