i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
