I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
