I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
