final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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