When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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