I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
