Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
