New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
