Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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