Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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