I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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