3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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