I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
