Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(212): View more from New York

so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.

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(765): View more from Indiana

let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.

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(845): View more from New York

There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2

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(330): View more from Ohio

my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?

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