I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
