anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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