So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
