I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
