I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
