Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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