Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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