I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
